I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
