just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
