Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
