You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize