yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
