i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
