I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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