i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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