I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
