I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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