I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Terrible idea I love it
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
