You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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