I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Your shirt... Was in my pants
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
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