she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
