if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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