I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
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having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
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She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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