What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Randomize
