Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
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