If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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