i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Randomize