Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
