when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
is wine microwaveable?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
