I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Less talking, more tequila
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
