I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Randomize
