The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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