hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
