This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
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