I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
