Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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