I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
oh god was she eating orange peels again
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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