So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
