Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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