Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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