I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
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I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
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