You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Randomize
