just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Lo siento on account of my penis...
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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