My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
