Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Houston, we have a blender
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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