He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
