just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Let's paint friendship bongs
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Randomize
