So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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