Tell her she can't have a vagina
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Randomize
