Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
