I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
