Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
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I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
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I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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