I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Randomize
