were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
