my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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