My boss' voice literally gives me gas
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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