he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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