lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
