My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
It's not a walk of shame if you run
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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