I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
