I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
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