I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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