I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
