Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
